Below is a partial transcript of the famous “dick joke” campaign speech delivered by Marco Rubio at Roanoke College on 2-28-16. A video was and may still be available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aVpy0jzUbE. However, a DMCA take-down order makes it inaccessible in the US without the use of a VPN.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. What a great crowd. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it very much. I want you to look at the scoreboard. Alright. It says 45-45, because I’m going to be the 45th president of the United States. It says 2016 because that’s when it’s going to happen. This year. Right now.
[Applause]
And I don’t know why it says “4,” but I think that’s because it’s the fourth event of the day or four years we’re going to be there, but it all makes sense. And I’m grateful to you for being here today. I’m excited to be here with you today. I really am. This is a great way to cap off a great day in the State of Virginia. Here in Salem. Here at Roanoke College. Here with all of you. Thank you for having me. We’re going to have a little bit of fun tonight.
[Applause]
So you know how important this election is. I love being in this room here tonight. Number 1: It’s like 98 degrees, alright, so this is good. And Number 2: You can use my signs as fans. That’s alright. And Number 2, because this election is about you. I see a lot of young people–a lot of young people–right here in this room. Now you might say, “You’re in the Senate, and everyone is young compared to the Senate,” but this is a lot of young people, and I’m excited about that because this election, really we’re just deciding what America is going to look like in the next ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty years. What kind of country are you going to start a business in? What kind of country are you going to start a family in? That’s what we’re trying to decide in this election, and I am telling you that if we stay on the road we are on now, if we keep doing what we’re doing under Barrack Obama, we’re in a lot of trouble. If we keep doing what we are doing now under Barrack Obama, you are going to be the first Americans ever that inherit a country worse than the one their parents lived in. That has never happened in the history of American, and we are not going to let that happen now. We are going to do it now- whatever it takes.
[applause]
So, that’s why I’m so passionate about this. That’s why I was so fired up on Thursday night at the debate.
[applause]
Now, I like debates about ideas. I like debates about policy. We have spent a year talking about and debating policy and ideas. But, you cannot have a policy debate with someone that has no policies.
[applause]
Alright. Now, by the way, it didn’t go well for Mr. Trump, and I’ll tell you how I know it. Because tonight there are reports that he says he’s not doing any more debates after Tuesday. He’s not doing any more debates. And that’s alright. We’re going to keep talking about the facts. Here are the facts: Donald Trump is trying to carry out the biggest scam in American political history. What is a scam? A scam is when you try to take advantage of people that are hurting by convincing them you can do something for them. That’s a scam. There are people who are hurting today in this country. There are people that are working harder than they have ever worked, and they can’t get ahead. There are people that owe thousands of dollars in student loan debt. Does that sound familiar to anybody?
[applause]
I know. I had thousands of dollars in student loan debt. OK. The only way I was able to pay off that debt is three years ago I wrote a book. It’s called An American Son, now available in paperback.
[laughter]
I never met her, but I paid Sally Mae a lot of money. I never thought I’d pay them off, but people are hurting. 500% increase in student loan debt. A world that’s more dangerous than it’s been in a long time. People are hurting, and here comes this guy who says, “I am going to make things better. I am a great leader in business. I am a strong leader. I’m going to take this on, and that on.”
[Boos]
So, let’s examine the record. Let’s examine the record. He likes to say he’s the guy that’s going to be tough on illegal immigration. What he doesn’t tell you is that he bulit Trump Tower by bringing in illegal immigrants to build Trump Tower. He’ll tell you he’s going to fight for the American worker. He’s going to fight hard for the American worker. What he doesn’t tell you is that in my home state of Florida, for example, he has a hotel…
[Applause]
People here from Florida- that’s good. We’re used to this heat. Miami…alright. D’y’all miss the 305 up there? Good. Alright.
We have a guy who’s telling us he’s going to protect the American worker. In Florida, he has a hotel. He doesn’t hire American workers. Three hundred people in Florida applied for that job. Americans. He turned all of them down. He says, “I can’t find qualified Americans to do the work, so I have to bring people in from other countries.”
[Boos]
What’s the country he talks about all the time other than Mexico? He’s always talking about China. He’s going to bring back all the jobs from China. He can start tomorrow morning. Stop making your ties and your suits in China, which is where he makes the Trump suits and ties. He says he’s a straight business leader who built this great empire. Then show us your tax returns so we can see how much money you really make. And, by the way, he doesn’t tell anybody this, but he says, “Well, I didn’t start with any money. I only started with a small loan of a couple million dollars form my dad.” How many of you are going to get a two million dollar loan this year to start a business? By the way, he inherited over one hundred million dollars. If he invested it in the stock market, he would have more money than Warren Buffet. Donald Trump is not even on the Forbes list of the richest people in the world.
It’s a scam. It’s a scam. He says he’s a strong leader. I saw him the other day at an event. He told a protester, “I want to punch you in the face.” Let me tell you something. Donald Trump has never punched anyone in the face.
[laughter]
[applause]
This guy has been protected and sheltered his entire life, his whole life. OK. By the way this is the guy… do you know why he didn’t go into the draft, didn’t go into the military, because he had suffered an injury playing squash. It’s a very dangerous game. So this is a con job. And why does this matter?
This matters because… no not the vegetable squash, the game squash, you guys. This matters because what’s at stake here is the future of the conservative movement. We cannot turn over the conservative movement to a con artist.
[applause]
This country needs a conservative movement that speaks to our people and solves our problems, and in a moment I’m going to outline to you exactly what we’re going to do when I’m President of the United States. Because unlike Donald Trump, I have real ideas, and real solutions to turn this country around.
[applause]
But give me a couple more minutes to have fun with it, and then we’re going to get to the policy. I promise you. Alright. First of all Donald Trump has always been carrying out con jobs. He started this thing called Trump University that…. You should see the promotional video. He’s just sitting there. And he’s saying things like this. It sounds familiar. He says, “I’m going to hire the best people, the smartest people, the best people. We’re going to have the best professors, and the best adjunct professors, and they are going to teach you all the great things to do. We’re going to make you successful. If you’re not successful after coming to Trump Unviersity, you’re never going to be successful. All you’re going to do is win and win and win.” So people signed up for this thing. They paid ten thousand dollars, and they told them, “No. No. No. If you want to make real money, you’ve got to pay $35,000.” And people paid $35,000 and they got scammed. And they got nothing for it except for a picture with a cardboard cut out of Donald Trump.
[Boos]
And the victims of that are now calling my office, and they’re emailing, and they want to tell their stories. You’re going to hear those stories, because we are not going to allow Donald Trump to do to America what he did to those students at Trump University. He will not con us.
[applause, 3:26] **You can see him gearing up and choking back the bile**
So, what he does when you point out these things is he attacks you. You guys know he likes to attack people personally, right? So, just give me one more minute because we’ve got to have fun with it. He likes to go on Twitter. So he now says. Well, first of all he says I’m sweating all the time. It’s hot in here. Am I sweating now? No. He doesn’t sweat because his pores are clogged from the spray tan he uses.
[applause]
Donald is not going to make American great. He’s going to make America orange.
[applause]
The next thing… The other thing he says. He’s always calling me “Little Marco,” and I’ll admit, he’s taller than me. He’s like 6’2″, which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who’s 5’2″. Have you seen his hands? They are like this. And you know what they say about men with small hands?
[quiet laughter, Rubio shakes head, hardly believing he’s said it, girl in front row face-palm]
You can’t trust them. You can’t trust them.
Now, we–I– will campaign in this election if I have to go to all 50 states, if I have to go to every territory in this country, if I have to get in my pick-up truck and drive to the states that remain, I will never allow the conservative movement to be taken over by a con artist. Because the stakes are too high. If we nominate a con artist, we are going to lose. We’re going to lose to Bernie Sanders. We’re going to lose to Hilary Clinton.
[Boos]
Now, by the way I know Bernie Sanders. He’s a nice guy. I like Bernie Sanders. I really do. He’s a nice person, but he’s a socialist. I don’t want us to be a socialist country. If you want to live in a socialist country, move to a socialist country. We want to be America.
[applause]
[3:26:01]